Monday, June 13, 2011

I am Insecure

Am I worthy?
Am I beautiful?
Will he ever give up on me?
What will they think if they find out that I...

Am I worthy, Am I worthy, Am I worthy?

I hate insecurity. There are certain topics that bring out insecurity in me, just when I forget it's there or think I've worked past it. I have a ton of insecurities, but not necessarily the same ones everyone else has. Mine unique to me and form from my own experiences and thought patterns. They have a way of sneaking out so quietly and slowly that I have no idea they are there until one of them has gotten BIG, way too fast...forcing me to admit things I don't like about myself. describes Insecure as: subject to fears, doubts, etc.; not self-confident or assured: an insecure person; not confident or certain; uneasy; anxious; not secure; exposed or liable to risk, loss, or danger.

If you haven't caught on already, this is NOT a good thing.

This weekend, Chris and I had an argument. During what should have been minor disagreements, my insecurities flared hence leading me to this huge emotional and spiritual battle. I look back now and realize that some insecurities had already started making their way out long before this--but the argument gave them the grand entry that they wanted. In turn, I overreacted and lost my dignity---a few times. I'm embarrassed over my reactions, but I'm mostly embarrassed that I allowed these things to take front and center of me.

For the past week or two, God has been showing me that I shouldn't sit and focus on my mistakes when I fall. In many ways lately, he's shown me just how doing that allows satan to win because I become numb, stale and ashamed. I realize today that I cannot sit in shame. God is glorified not in our shame but in our endurance.

I heard Joyce Meyer say that we humans better get used to failing because we still have flesh/sin nature. But it's not a free pass to quit. The battle is not just in the spirit --- it's also in the mind. She also said if we don't change our minds, we will never change. Lesson for me: Don't quit, think positive.Stop over analyzing every one of my falls. It all comes down to: I failed, try again.

Try again, and again. And again.

Afterall, we belong to Him. The story has already been written and we already know the ending as believers. The faithful aren't ruled by a lack of confidence. We've experienced something so great and amazing that we "should be" unshakable.

I liken it to playing a video game. When you lose, the words "try again"  flash across the screen and become the challenge that keeps you playing. Why can't we live our lives like that?
"Try again?" Oh don't mind if I do!"

Beth Moore has written a book on insecurity. Her insights has helped me to identify insecurity and set it apart as just that. My insecurities are not anyone's responsibility but mine--regardless what situation they arose from. They can be fought off by positive thinking...or they can leave me with shame and embarrassment from some stupid outburst.

Proverbs 23:7 says,"As a man thinketh in his heart, so is he.”
If we don't keep a watch over our minds and thoughts, they continue to build, until they destroy us. Satan loves to find things like this to hold us captive. He plants little thoughts, knowing just which ones will make us bite. But we have a choice...we can choose not to take the negative thought. We can choose what we think.

In Luke 5:22, Jesus refers to a choice of our thoughts. "Jesus knew what they were thinking and asked, “Why are you thinking these things in your hearts?"

John 10:10 reminds me that my insecurities left untamed could destroy me. "The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full."

In the midst of my struggle, I heard these words in a song.
Why are you striving these days

Why are you trying to earn grace
Why are you crying
Let me lift up your face
Just don't turn away
Why are you looking for love
Why are you still searching as if I'm not enough?To where will you go child

Tell me where will you run
To where will you run
And I'll be by your side
Wherever you fall
In the dead of night
Whenever you call
And please don't fight
These hands that are holding you
My hands are holding you
Look at these hands and my side
They swallowed the grave on that night
When I drank the world's sin
So I could carry you in
And give you life
I want to give you life
Cause I, I love you
I want you to know
That I, I love you
I'll never let you go

I was left speechless, and I'm still marveling over what he'd done for me--again. He speaks the words I need, at just the right time. It's my choice as to whether I'll take these words to heart. It also takes effort, focus and intent. 
Concentrate Jennifer. Concentrate!

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