It's been a WHILE since I've written last. Since then, we've added one more child to our nest. Juliette is now 9 months old and is so much more than anything we could've asked for. Now that we have a house full and we're happy with that, don't get me wrong), we are busier than ever. Evenings are packed full of things we have to do: supper, bottle making, laundry and other things to maintain our household. Mornings are hectic no matter how early we get up. That being said, our busy-ness has provided me with a new perspective on life--We have to live with intent and focus on Him more now than ever. These things won't just fall into our laps.
When I think about this, I think about Peter and how he walked on water while he focused on Jesus. But when he took his eyes off Jesus (thought about anything else), he started sinking. I do this so often in my spiritual life.
Many people tend to adopt the mindset that we can just live and do whatever comes to us in a day, moment or year. Most of us subconsciously think that if it's meant to be, it'll come to us. I mean planning and thinking is WORK, right? I've always been naturally inclined to plan and prepare. But even I miss a lot of opportunities because my focus is all wrong, or because i lose focus. Does that make me ADD? I have a feeling that by psycholigists standards, we all are.
It's so easy to get caught up watching others. We let their sucess form self pity in our hearts and their failures cause us resentment. I am by far the most guilty here. I want to do God's will. I want to honor my husband as well. I want to be a wonderful mother and I resolve that I must do what God wants of me in situations. But the biggest battle here is my inability to keep my eyes on Him, not me or him or her or them. If I look at others, I fail. If I look at me, my own failures or stengths, I fail.
I am one who is naturaly inclined to troubleshoot. If I mess up, I immediately look inward and then I look around me. I ask: What is the problem and how can I do better in the future. This inclination doesn't help my case AT ALL. It only enables me to further lose focus on the task at hand. I get so caught up in the WHO and HOW that I forget the WHAT. All I see when I look at me are my short comings, my feelings and sometimes I see my strengths (which only lead me to think those are things I don't need Him for). All I do is wind up in a huge, sloppy mess when I look inward. Looking around me isn't any better, either. Let's face it, we're all human and will fail if you give us time.
There isn't a person in the world who won't fail you. And truthfully, who are you to say you don't deserve to be failed if you fail? Speaking of being failed, what about those things we call feelings that can be so ugly? If you let them sneak in, they steal your focus too.
Lately, I've been so thrilled with things God has shown me. I'm excited about the lessons I'm learning, and even more willing to struggle to focus on HIM. But at some point, I noticed that my husband doesn't seem to be struggling. It all "seems" to come natural to him. Guess what happened to me? I lost my focus again. I looked away from Him to him. I had gotten so caught up in my failures that I fell and scratched up my face. I let the thought sneak in that I "should be" farther along in my growth.
Shame, Shame, Shame.
I think about the words "intent" and "focus". Focus IS intentional. You intentionally set your focus to something, it doesn't just happen. You can't have focus without intent, right? That being said, I have to try harder and now that I know some of the things that can disrupt my focus. I "should" be able to watch out for them, but I'm quite sure there will always be distractions. Am I ever gonna learn? Probably not 100%. But He assures me that if I keep struggling and never give up, He will bless me. I already see truth in that. He has blessed me far beyond anything my heart can fully vocalize in the times that I've gotten up, cleaned off my wound and pressed on. But if I think for too long on the pain from that wound, I fall.
Still, I feel like I am just starting my journey. I can't get caught up in the scratches and wounds..or in the pain from them. They'll only cause me to lose focus.