Tuesday, August 2, 2011


I sat at my desk wiping at the constant flow of tears. I just couldn't stop crying. Something inside me, though not physically, just hurt. I couldn't put my finger on it at first and I still can't put my finger on what triggered it--but this type if thing isn't really all that new to me. One minute I'm rejoicing in knowing I have a God who loves me and the next minute, I'm deeply saddened. It all happened so fast that I didn't really think about it until after the fact.

Questions raced in my head as I struggled to get a grip on my emotions.
What is wrong with me and why do I go from one point to the next at such dangerous speeds? How can I be a believer, yet be so unstable at times?
In the midst of all these questions in my head, I asked Him to show me what I'm missing here. Because I'm quite sure there's something. I then put on some worship music and did my best to resume my work.

As I calm down and evaluate the instance, I realize this was one of my battles with loneliness. I've always struggled with loneliness and out of that comes resentment and anger. The loneliness comes quite possibly out of habit but mostly because Satan knows exactly how to throw me off target. During these bouts I have to remind myself that not only do I have my Lord, but I also have a great husband and kids who love me. I'm not alone, and I have to work hard at forcing those thoughts into my head to combat the ones that have taken me hostage. My mind is being invaded and I MUST do something, quick.

Earlier today, I struggled with some ugly feelings. Nothing specific. My thoughts were all over the place. Who doesn't? Fortunately, He's been teaching me to keep my mouth shut in the midst of these battles because voicing my emotions in the midst of frustration never ends well for anyone involved simply because I tend to use blame, which discourages others. As I sat and listened to Him about what I was feeling, He made it clear to me that I needed to guard my fort (my heart and mind) because the enemy has taken notice of me. I was being invaded with ugly thoughts that bombarded my emotions. Satan was definitely trying to use me to run his errands.

That motivation worked for a while, but it didn't take me long to climb right back into my old ways. Again and again I travel in and out, from new ways to the old ones. Old habits die hard--they really do. This idea of keeping watch is obviously something I don't have down pat and I need more practice. Now that I've been so close to Him, I just can't quit. I can't stop half way or allow myself to stay in the ruts for too long because those ruts create distance between He and I. I realize more now than ever that I need Him. My heart is desperate, my soul is thirsty and I need His touch and His presence. I've gotten a taste and now I'm addicted.

My emotions are there for a reason but they are not meant to rule me. Not to mention, we underestimate Satan and his use of our emotions to battle all things godly. I am reminded that it's a life, mind and heart change and a soldier doesn't just quit because it gets too hot or because he becomes afraid. He fights through it. And that is what is expected of us, as believers.

Thankfully, my God is stable enough to handle my instabilities, as many as I have. And I hope, though I doubt, that I'm not the only one who finds themselves unstable at times.

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