Rejection breaks me down faster than anything. It ties my stomach into a million knots. I tear up, fall apart and lose perspective. My heart beat raises and I become defensive in mere fragments of a second. When just a hint of rejection is in the air, my mind spins like that space ride at the fair. It goes around faster and faster-- until something, usually in someone, spills. I literally feel like I'm on that ride when I feel I'm being rejected. It's amazing what silly things take hold of us when we allow lies to grip our minds.
I've stated before, in more ways than one, that I have many insecurities. Insecurities form from lies Satan tells us. Satan knows just how to bypass our security software and sneak his lies through the back end of our mainframes. He's an expert hacker and can spot a hole in our spiritual armor a mile away and he knows exactly what viruses to give us based on each of our experiences. Unfortunately, I've had holes in mine for years and I'm quite sure that I'm barely skimming the top of "my pile of junk" that accumulated from this exposure.
Rejection started early for me. Rejection from religious people, so-called friends and even rejection in the most basic relationships have left me subconsciously thinking that I'm not acceptable to others in who I really am. I came from a broken home, so I am a statistic by societal standards. Satan's been pointing this out for years. I've always had ambitions but I've always struggled with the lies he's whispered in my ear. He'd say things like, " You're just a statistic, you're bound to fail." and " No one will ever love you when they see how messed up you are on the inside, and they will see it eventually." He'd remind me that I'm not pretty enough or smart enough.
When Chris and I argue, the rejection button throws my emotions into overdrive--and it's bound to get pressed everytime. If my husband so much as walks away or withdraws from the conversation, my rejection alarm goes off. It works in me like a fire alarm that starts screaming at the slightest sign of smoke. The painful high-pitched sound won't stop and you have yank the battery out just to kill the noise. These generally turn out to be false alarms and get us all worked up for nothing. In the same sense, I generally wind up compromising my integrity and then feeling stupid for it later. My emotions never run higher than when I sense rejection. It usually turns out that he never meant to reject me, which makes me all the more aware that although rejection is quite real, it is nothing more than an insecurity. It only has power that we give it.
I've experienced many broken relationships and I've been rejected A LOT. But who hasn't? We all have this invisible "wall" that raises automatically when we feel we are not important to someone who is important to us. It's because Satan lies to us. He wants to make us feel unloved, unimportant, and never quite good enough. But I wonder how many of us have ever asked ourselves why he would care to bother us. Perhaps it is due to the fact that God wants good things for each and every one of us.
I'm having to learn to lean on Him in the midst of my insecurities and believe in His promises. I'm having to train my mind to look to Him when my emotions run high, rather than react out of them. I heard Laura Story say once that she had to determine whether she "really believed what the Bible said" in the midst of her trials. These trying times are meant to be times where we decide to stand more firmly in our faith. No matter who rejects me any day of the week, there are always several people who do not. My children and my husband deeply love me but most importantly, He loves me.
God doesn't reject me. And if anyone has a reason to, He does. He knows the depths of my heart better than anyone. Instead, He reminds me of His love for me using His word, His presence in me and His creation. I can't look up at the sky or at anything He created without knowing He MUST love me to allow me to take part in this.
If you are struggling with rejection, like I do quite often, know that you aren't alone. Most importantly, lean on Him and believe that He can and He will bring you through it.