Friday, July 29, 2011

Knowing Better

Last night while bathing my my two youngest children, Isaiah did something that I didn't approve of and I scolded him by responding with, "Now you know better than that!" As I ended my sentence, I immediately heard, "And you know better too, Jennifer." It wasn't me talking to myself, it was God clearly doing what He does best -lovingly guiding me back on track. I knew it was Him doing what I'd been asking Him to do--keeping me in check. And boy did I need it. My attitude just plain out stunk.

As I replay that moment over in my head I realize that He spoke to me so gently, yet so frankly. He said what I needed to hear in the most loving of ways I didn't speak to Isaiah that way. I wasn't gentle, I was irritable and tired and my tone expressed disgust. If God spoke to me that way, I'd be less likely to seek closeness and share my inner most thoughts. Nor would I take His words so seriously.

I immediately realized that I do know better, but I just don't pay as close attention to how I come off at times as I should. It's a real struggle to see inside myself at times. I relate it to a house with many rooms. The rooms are so small that makes it hard to gain good perception of the room unless you stand in the doorway of each room. If you stand in the middle of the room, you get dizzy as you spin around to try to see it all. He provides me  insight to myself that I can't quite gain on my own. To be blunt about it, there are many times that I can't make my way to a doorway due to the darkness of some of the rooms inside me.  He provides direct access to my room from His angle, one I'm unable to obtain on my own.

I had to ask for that insight. It didn't just drop in on me. He gives us what we need and what we ask for --if it honors Him. The life He wants for us is so much more than the one without Him. I am reminded that although it's tough and there are times where I'm tempted to throw up my hands that I was made for more than this. We were all made for more than our flaws and struggles and limitations. We were made so that He can perform great miracles in the depths of our souls that shine brighter than any lighthouse designed by man. If He works in you, you won't be able to hide it.

1 John 4:4 reminds me that we are made to overcome the world, the battles that rage in us and around us if we believe in the One who came to free us:

Little children, you are from God and have overcome them, for he who is in you is greater than he who is in the world.
I'm learning that I have to live intently and be aware of who I am. I can't live in denial over my flaws, or they'll suck me in like a black hole. I have to ask for insight on matters. I have to pay close attention to the insight He gives me. I have to want it enough to focus on the only ONE who can make it happen. I can't do it myself and if you think you can, you're setting yourself up to fail.
I have to meditate on Him in all aspects my daily life. When people treat me in ways I don't like, when things happen outside of my control and when my plans don't go as I hoped I am far too guilty of becoming discouraged. The slightest idea of a battle coming my way can make me faint of heart. I pout and I try to hide it but God sees it. And He's oftentimes called me on it by saying, "You were made for more than this."
And I was, we all were.

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