The Sifting of Us

Have you ever noticed that just when things start to go well, we seem to get smacked from behind with the force of a Peterbilt going well over 100 mph? And even then we're always taken by surprise--even though we're well aware of the patterns in life by now. And if you're a growing Christian, you've probably noticed "the surprise" just after some point of growth.

Lately, I've been having dreams that are less than rosy. They have on many days left me feeling punched in the face. As I tried desperately to put them out of my mind, I'd get thoughts of terrible things that only COULD happen, but haven't yet. So I prayed. I asked God to help me through what I knew to be an attack by Satan, because I am far too guilty of succumbing to Satan's pressure by giving up for a while simply because of attacks that mirror this one to a "T".

Just as I thought I was going to slide by easily this time, a situation arose between two people I love. I was keenly aware that I had be a source of light (for a change) instead of a source of discontentment. Each time I face a situation with this one family member, some of my hearts first pains begin to creep back in and discourage me. I begin to struggle with pain that I thought I'd buried from what I perceive to be my unworthiness. My pain of unworthiness stems from the things most girls get early on in life, yet I have lacked but craved all these years. My pains from this relationship, or lack thereof, have me looking inward at this point.

But He reminds me that I was made for more than just this.

I am aware that Satan is at work--trying to discourage me because he doesn't want me to grow. He wants me to be stale and he uses the same patterns over and over because they've worked thus far. He creates a battle in the mind for me based upon my weaknesses. Satan's been watching me my whole life to know my weaknesses and our strengths just as any spy for an army would do the opposition enemy. He has much more experience at battle than we do and because of that he studies us.

Let's face it, without Christ we don't stand a chance. As believers, we have the ultimate champion fighting on our behalf because we were made for more than this--we were made for victory. He's already given us His Holy Spirit for that very reason.
The Bible tells us to put on our spiritual armor in order to avoid being caught in Satan's snares. Let's face it, we underestimate Satan and his determination to paralyze us in our journey. Even though Satan is at work, he can only do so much to a believer. God is still in control and will only allow Satan to go so far. Far too often, Satan thinks he is winning over on us when what's really happening is that God is really using Satan to sift us--to make us better.

We need to see the gaps in our fortress walls. There is no more effective way to learn the importance of spiritual armor than to fall into the enemy's trap. God's intent is to show us the gaps in our fortress walls, whether they be from strongholds or ignorance, in order to help us grow. Strongholds are those things we just won't let go of, even if they aren't in alignment with God's word. He offers the lesson to help us to see the things in ourselves that need to change, but we have to be willing to do our part. First this means we have to acceptt the truth --because we have been given  free will.

Yes, it's work. But what part of life isn't? And frankly I'm sick of living a meaningless life of doing things my way. It hasn't gotten me anywhere thus far. I am reminded that I was made for more than just this.

Many of us are guilty of overlooking ANY evil powers at work in our everyday life and even consider it taboo to blame Satan for anything. God tells us that there is indeed a battle between the prince of darkness and the Prince of Light. Satan is at work in our lives grasping at every opportunity to keep us from giving God the very glory He deserves. But remember, we still have free will and in that sense we have take some ownership for the decisions we make and the things we allow to reign in our minds and hearts. We were made for more than this.

My selfishness and stubbornness have only hindered my walk with the one true God. And He has allowed me to see that by allowing me to be broken by seemingly losing sometimes. If we don't see what's wrong with us, we won't change. Part of God's way of showing us the things that need to be removed is to allow us to fail. The hope is that--at some point we get tired of failing and do our part. We have to focus more, pray more and nose-up in His word if we want to be effective. His "tools" enable us to fight the good fight, and in turn He gets the glory--especially to those who know know us best because they know just how weak we'd be without Him.

We were made for more than the struggles and the pain. We were made to glorify and honor Him and be a beacon of His strength and wisdom. We haven't been defeated. God is still in control. To accept defeat would mean that God has lost, and we know better. Nothing honors Him more than our persistence despite our wounds.

During those times when I "feel" like I have lost, God has merely taken Satan's work and turned it into my benefit. Satan means to discourage me, confuse me, isolate me, scare me, make me remember my hurts. But my awesome, almighty and all knowing God is standing right next to me, offering me strength and encouragement. And when all is said and done, God wins--and I was made to celebrate His victories with Him.

Sift me Lord, for you made me for more than this.

If It Wasn't This...

I picked up my baby girl this morning and as she grinned and squealed at me I thought, "How can I be so unhappy when I have all this?"  

That question has been playing in my mind for days now and I haven't been able to answer it. Two of my kids have been almost non-stop sick lately. I found out yesterday that my son has strep throat. His lymph nodes on his neck are swollen beyond anything I've ever seen. On the same day, my baby started her fourth antibiotic which consists of a rocephin shot a day for three days in a row to try once more to beat this ear infection. Over the weekend, she had roseola, which he also had a week ago as well. To add to this madness, I leave for Texas this Sunday for work and will be out for three weeks minus the weekends. I have allowed all of this to get to me.

I've been convicted lately of letting my circumstances control how I feel and how I act. The more I'm convicted, the more I seem to make the same mistake.

I spent the morning looking for a new perspective, to help me change this way of thinking where I let my circumstances control my mood, mind and heart. I got upset with my husband for a conversation that went sour all because I was trying to learn a new perspective. But then...God worked one of His miracles in me. He didn't give it to me as I thought He would, He knew a better way.

I was speaking to a coworker this morning who expressed to me how she is freaking out about the upcoming trip. She doesn't have kids but she has a ranch where she and her husband raise bulls. When she told me how overwhelmed she is feeling, I heard the Lord say, " If it wasn't this, it would be something else Jennifer." I said it back to him. "If it wasn't this, it would be something else." Then I said it to her. She replied, " I would rather it was THAT."

Did you get that? Not only did He show me something, but she also would prefer my circumstances. As I play His words over and over in my head, I come away with several lessons.

• Things in life will never be perfect and I will never have control of my circumstances to the degree that I feel comfortable. This perspective is HUGE for me.
• If I didn't have kids to care for and a job to balance, it would suck something terrible. I could have a completely different life and things would still go wrong.
• I am reminded that I wouldn't have it any other way. I wouldn't want the life without kids (or even the ones I have) or without the very husband I have by my side. I couldn't imagine things being better if they were any different than the life I have now. I can't imagine not having THIS life.

I lose perspective far too often of just how blessed I am. Perhaps it's due to a lack of insight or even focus (on Him). Perhaps it's just lack of faith or a battle of the mind. Perhaps it stems from a multitude of issues.

But I was made aware that I needed a change here over a week ago. He's been ever so gently asking, "Why are you so unhappy?" I would give it a little thought and after not knowing how to respond, move on to something else. Last night, while reading a pamphlet by Beth Moore, He spoke to me. Beth's book is about spiritual armor and one of her points is that people who are moody and unhappy should evaluate themselves before the attitude leads to greater mistakes. As I read her words over and over, I knew I couldn't escape it anymore. I wanted to overcome this right then.

But it doesn't work that way, does it? Old habits die HARD.

I ask myself again, "Why, Jennifer, are you so unhappy? You've been given SO much." And I finally have an answer, as ugly as it is. I allow my circumstances to rule over me. I don't "feel" like being happy when things go wrong. I like to be in control of my circumstances because it makes me feel better. When I said those words to myself, I heard the words "me" and "feel" louder than anything.

I have the answer I have been so urgently seeking and that's just how He works. We seek, He shows. We may not always like the answer though. If the Bible had a disclaimer, my guess is that it would read: 

"Caution: The content inside inside is the truth. The truth had been known to provoke a wide range of reactions from deep emotional pain to outright rejoicing, but it WILL set you free from any bondage that you are in, if you will accept it."

I'm sure that it will take time, practice and more mistakes before my old perspectives die and those godly views rule within me. But I know that I wouldn't want my life to be any other way. With that said, I'll take the not so good with the great I've been given. For who am I to expect perfection, even though I've been given more than most and certainly more than I deserve.