The "I" in Me

Dying to self seems to be the single most difficult thing to do in life. As a follower of Christ Jesus, my number one mission is to put myself aside and love others in ways that give only God the glory. But the truth is--putting myself aside is not an easy task. On any given day, things can be going perfectly well and I find some way to wedge my own needs and thoughts into a situation, thus ruining everything in MY own selfish way.

Think about it--if we are to carry out the commands of Christ, we have to pull our own selfish thoughts and desires out of the mix period. Even as I seek to do what's good in the sight of God, the number one thing that keeps me from following through is ME, myself and I. I have my own thoughts and my own "needs" but mostly these things are just desires since He's already given me what I need, if I will receive it.

Times when I put me aside, without selfish motives are the times He uses to benefit others as well as me the most. Isn't it amazing that when we do focus away from ourselves, he not only uses us but also blesses us the most? It goes against everything we as people are programmed to think. But then again, so do all of the other ideas and concepts that He teaches us through His word.

As believers, we are supposed to let our lights shine, but the ways in which we shine are those ways we love others no matter what they've done or who they may be. We have a duty to God to love anyone who may be hurting. We have a duty to love our spouses, kids, friends and family as well but it all requires us to put ourselves aside and love them in a godly way. How can we help someone through a hard time when all we're thinking about is ME ME ME? It's really hard to love someone in a godly way if you're always looking out for you. I find that I wedge myself into the slightest situation, no matter the topic, and everything pretty much goes sour from there. The entire point is lost once I involve ME.

God's word describes love quite differently from how we humans tend to look at it.

Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never ends. As for prophecies, they will pass away; as for tongues, they will cease; as for knowledge, it will pass away. 1 Cor. 13:4

All these years I've been programmed to think that I have to insert Me into everything. This selfish mindset done nothing but set in motion more bad habits that need to be broken. I think to some extent or another we all struggle with the balance of "I" and our culture isn't helping matters by encouraging us to focus on our selves. But no matter what our culture says, Our God has spoken. He requires certain things of us if we do in fact believe in Him. It's assumed that we'll trip and fall alot because we in the flesh are like babies spiritually.  Eventually babies grow and have to learn the hard knocks of life, although hopefully not all of them will come the hard way.

In the Christian life, it's understood that we have to be broken. Spiritual growth begins with brokenness. Brokenness is nothing more than accepting that it's not about us, that we're going to fail and that we can only get it right if we involve Him in out lives. Our brokenness is intended to lead to a mindset change--and that's exactly where we learn to change our focus from "I" to "Him". It's been my experience that I have to practice something a thousand times more or less before it starts to come natural. Since there is so much "I" in me, I can't turn  my focus or the old habit creeps back in.

He loves a broken spirit because this is one who isn't proud. If I'm not broken, I'm working on my own and taking full credit throughout the way. If I'm not broken, I'm not able to love others, especially those who aren't like me. Furthermore, if I'm not broken, my focus is off. I'm looking at it me and not at Him. During these times, I'm more likely to have more I's in me

I pray that He will continue to renew my mind and my heart, which  will in turn help me to focus on Him and forget about me more each day. This way, I can love those I'm meant to love more effectively.

If It Wasn't This...

I picked up my baby girl this morning and as she grinned and squealed at me I thought, "How can I be so unhappy when I have all this?"  

That question has been playing in my mind for days now and I haven't been able to answer it. Two of my kids have been almost non-stop sick lately. I found out yesterday that my son has strep throat. His lymph nodes on his neck are swollen beyond anything I've ever seen. On the same day, my baby started her fourth antibiotic which consists of a rocephin shot a day for three days in a row to try once more to beat this ear infection. Over the weekend, she had roseola, which he also had a week ago as well. To add to this madness, I leave for Texas this Sunday for work and will be out for three weeks minus the weekends. I have allowed all of this to get to me.

I've been convicted lately of letting my circumstances control how I feel and how I act. The more I'm convicted, the more I seem to make the same mistake.

I spent the morning looking for a new perspective, to help me change this way of thinking where I let my circumstances control my mood, mind and heart. I got upset with my husband for a conversation that went sour all because I was trying to learn a new perspective. But then...God worked one of His miracles in me. He didn't give it to me as I thought He would, He knew a better way.

I was speaking to a coworker this morning who expressed to me how she is freaking out about the upcoming trip. She doesn't have kids but she has a ranch where she and her husband raise bulls. When she told me how overwhelmed she is feeling, I heard the Lord say, " If it wasn't this, it would be something else Jennifer." I said it back to him. "If it wasn't this, it would be something else." Then I said it to her. She replied, " I would rather it was THAT."

Did you get that? Not only did He show me something, but she also would prefer my circumstances. As I play His words over and over in my head, I come away with several lessons.

• Things in life will never be perfect and I will never have control of my circumstances to the degree that I feel comfortable. This perspective is HUGE for me.
• If I didn't have kids to care for and a job to balance, it would suck something terrible. I could have a completely different life and things would still go wrong.
• I am reminded that I wouldn't have it any other way. I wouldn't want the life without kids (or even the ones I have) or without the very husband I have by my side. I couldn't imagine things being better if they were any different than the life I have now. I can't imagine not having THIS life.

I lose perspective far too often of just how blessed I am. Perhaps it's due to a lack of insight or even focus (on Him). Perhaps it's just lack of faith or a battle of the mind. Perhaps it stems from a multitude of issues.

But I was made aware that I needed a change here over a week ago. He's been ever so gently asking, "Why are you so unhappy?" I would give it a little thought and after not knowing how to respond, move on to something else. Last night, while reading a pamphlet by Beth Moore, He spoke to me. Beth's book is about spiritual armor and one of her points is that people who are moody and unhappy should evaluate themselves before the attitude leads to greater mistakes. As I read her words over and over, I knew I couldn't escape it anymore. I wanted to overcome this right then.

But it doesn't work that way, does it? Old habits die HARD.

I ask myself again, "Why, Jennifer, are you so unhappy? You've been given SO much." And I finally have an answer, as ugly as it is. I allow my circumstances to rule over me. I don't "feel" like being happy when things go wrong. I like to be in control of my circumstances because it makes me feel better. When I said those words to myself, I heard the words "me" and "feel" louder than anything.

I have the answer I have been so urgently seeking and that's just how He works. We seek, He shows. We may not always like the answer though. If the Bible had a disclaimer, my guess is that it would read: 

"Caution: The content inside inside is the truth. The truth had been known to provoke a wide range of reactions from deep emotional pain to outright rejoicing, but it WILL set you free from any bondage that you are in, if you will accept it."

I'm sure that it will take time, practice and more mistakes before my old perspectives die and those godly views rule within me. But I know that I wouldn't want my life to be any other way. With that said, I'll take the not so good with the great I've been given. For who am I to expect perfection, even though I've been given more than most and certainly more than I deserve.

Focus

It's been a WHILE since I've written last. Since then, we've added one more child to our nest. Juliette is now 9 months old and is so much more than anything we could've asked for. Now that we have a house full and we're happy with that, don't get me wrong), we are busier than ever. Evenings are packed full of things we have to do: supper, bottle making, laundry and other things to maintain our household. Mornings are hectic no matter how early we get up. That being said, our busy-ness has provided me with a new perspective on life--We have to live with intent and focus on Him more now than ever. These things won't just fall into our laps.

When I think about this, I think about Peter and how he walked on water while he focused on Jesus. But when he took his eyes off Jesus (thought about anything else), he started sinking. I do this so often in my spiritual life.

Many people tend to adopt the mindset that we can just live and do whatever comes to us in a day, moment or year. Most of us subconsciously think that if it's meant to be, it'll come to us. I mean planning and thinking is WORK, right? I've always been naturally inclined to plan and prepare. But even I miss a lot of opportunities because my focus is all wrong, or because i lose focus. Does that make me ADD? I have a feeling that by psycholigists standards, we all are.

It's so easy to get caught up watching others. We let their sucess form self pity in our hearts and their failures cause us resentment. I am by far the most guilty here. I want to do God's will. I want to honor my husband as well. I want to be a wonderful mother and I resolve that I must do what God wants of me in situations. But the biggest battle here is my inability to keep my eyes on Him, not me or him or her or them. If I look at others, I fail. If I look at me, my own failures or stengths, I fail.

I am one who is naturaly inclined to troubleshoot. If I mess up, I immediately look inward and then I look around me. I ask: What is the problem and how can I do better in the future. This inclination doesn't help my case AT ALL. It only enables me to further lose focus on the task at hand. I get so caught up in the WHO and HOW that I forget the WHAT. All I see when I look at me are my short comings, my feelings and sometimes I see my strengths (which only lead me to think those are things I don't need Him for). All I do is wind up in a huge, sloppy mess when I look inward. Looking around me isn't any better, either. Let's face it, we're all human and will fail if you give us time.

There isn't a person in the world who won't fail you. And truthfully, who are you to say you don't deserve to be failed if you fail? Speaking of being failed, what about those things we call feelings that can be so ugly? If you let them sneak in, they steal your focus too.

Lately, I've been so thrilled with things God has shown me. I'm excited about the lessons I'm learning, and even more willing to struggle to focus on HIM. But at some point, I noticed that my husband doesn't seem to be struggling. It all "seems" to come natural to him. Guess what happened to me? I lost my focus again. I looked away from Him to him. I had gotten so caught up in my failures that I fell and scratched up my face. I let the thought sneak in that I "should be" farther along in my growth.

Shame, Shame, Shame.

I think about the words "intent" and "focus". Focus IS intentional. You intentionally set your focus to something, it doesn't just happen. You can't have focus without intent, right? That being said, I have to try harder and now that I know some of the things that can disrupt my focus. I "should" be able to watch out for them, but I'm quite sure there will always be distractions. Am I ever gonna learn? Probably not 100%. But He assures me that if I keep struggling and never give up, He will bless me. I already see truth in that. He has blessed me far beyond anything my heart can fully vocalize in the times that I've gotten up, cleaned off my wound and pressed on. But if I think for too long on the pain from that wound, I fall.

Still, I feel like I am just starting my journey. I can't get caught up in the scratches and wounds..or in the pain from them. They'll only cause me to lose focus.