Not a Daddy's Girl

While watching television a few nights ago, I saw a commercial that provoked some emotions in me. It's the one where Kenny Chesney's "There Goes My Life" song is playing in the background as a dad replays some memories of his little girl through the years. My eyes immediately filled with tears and I struggled to hold them back so that my husband wouldn't see them. My first thought: Why wasn't I good enough to have that?

I am 35 years old, and I still long for and cry over the loss of something I've never really had--a great relationship with my Dad. I don't let many people know it. I hate for my hurts to be exposed but this one keeps coming to the forefront so it's time for me to be honest about this part of my life. It's time that I stop holding it in in fear of who I "might" offend -although I pray I don't offend a soul.

Please tell me that there are other women who struggle like I do with issues caused by certain relationships, or lack thereof. Please tell me that other women want badly to feel loved and adored beginning with their earliest memories. Don't we all want to feel like the first man who loves us will do anything to protect our honor so that the man we marry is only left to pick up that torch without having to start from scratch. Don't we all want to feel worthy of a bond that seems only natural to most?

Most of my "issues" go back to one of these questions. I find myself asking myself and the Lord, "Why wasn't I worthy of more?" Is it wrong of me to want more than I have, even if that "more" is merely a basic to most of the females I know. I find myself jealous that some can crawl up in their daddy's lap, no matter how old they get, and have the most comfortable relationships with the first man they ever loved. I've never known that. I have no idea what that must feel like but even at my age, I long for it.

You would think I would be accustomed to this and well adjusted. Some think that I am, but inside it hurts no less today than it did when I was a child. At what point do I get to work past this? What has to happen for me to heal? Because no matter how much I forgive and try to move on, it comes up over and over again like fizz that appears when a soda gets shaken. It affects all of my relationships in some way, shape or form. Granted I've come quite a way over the years, I keep seeing these insecurities in me that stem back from this very topic. I want to be healed already.

Let me just clarify some things. I want to be a Daddy's girl but it's a little late for that. I don't know how, and I know he doesn't know how to change the past anymore than I do. I'm not really angry or bitter towards him. I've forgiven him and tried to rationalize in my own mind why things happened as they did. He does love me, and I won't deny that. He's not a bad man neither. But neither of us know how to make our relationship "normal" and I wish I knew how to accept that. But I don't.

The good news for me is that I have another father. I have the Father in Heaven who formed me in my mother's wound. He celebrated me before anyone even knew about me, as my unwed mother carried me. He is there for me when humans fail me and He grieves with me when I hurt. Even better, I am developing a relationship with Him where I could crawl up in His lap (emotionally), and tell him everything that's going on.

Sometimes doing without things that we consider quite basic increases our need for Jesus Christ. Only He can fill in the gaps. Therefore, even though I hurt, I am thankful that He turned my hurt toward Him and that He gives me far more than any human relationship could. It doesn't mean that I am healed, but that He is working on doing just that. After all He came for people like me.

Wounded

My face has rested on directly His feet and I can do nothing but pray and cry. I'm praying for the ability to heal and forgive. A recent series of events has brought me to a place where I can feel nothing but my pain. All I can do is be faithful that He will bring me through this storm because there is no way I can do this alone. I don't know where to start. I don't even know how I'm going to move past this, in this very moment. My emotions are in high gear and my insecurities are on red alert.

The truth is, my pain is all I can focus on. And I ask myself, "Is it wrong to focus to intently on my pain and on my feelings?" I wonder if I'm missing an important part of Christianity here, and I'm sure that I am.

The truth is, I cannot forgive this on my own, but His strength allows me to -- if I'll choose it. But do I want to? I know I need to. I have to. I have to resolve this thing within myself and at some point move on. The sooner the better. But maybe I'm rushing it. Maybe I need to allow myself the time to absorb it all and take it to God. But maybe I just need to make the choice to move on...

Regardless of who is wrong or right, we're each held responsible for our own junk. Holding grudges only hurts the person who holds them, so why is it so hard to let go? I heard Joyce Meyer say that although feelings are God-given and we shouldn't let them manipulate us because that wasn't His intent. She said, that we should ask,"What am I feeling?" and  "What do I want that I'm not getting?"

She suggested that we first take our feelings to the Lord, quoting 1 Peter 5:7:

Give all your worries and cares to God, for he cares about you.(NIV) (KJV version says: Casting all your care upon him; for he careth for you.)

She related the words "worries" and "cares" to feelings and says that we should ask Him to help us sort out our part of the equation. I know I'm guilty of speaking how I feel without talking to Him about it first. But the times where I have done so given me so much insight, wisdom and understanding.

I'm reminded of my previous blog "Be Courageous". Lately, I'm reminded to be brave, in order to honor Him. I want this to be over, and I want to do the right thing. I need to choose to move on, but putting my own pain aside to do so can be so hard-- especially when the wound caused bleeding (figuratively speaking). But I must press on.

The thing is people are always going to hurt us, and we've all been scarred by someone's words or actions before. I'm quite sure I've dished out a lot of hurt myself. It's just the very nature of us humans, being that we're so flawed and dysfunctional.

Most importantly, we can't have a real relationship with Him if we're holding grudges of our own, which brings forgiveness right to the top of my list. I can't bear distance from my Lord after having been so close to Him. And I can't even hear Him if I let my emotions run rampant. It's a continual process that never ends--control my emotions, listen to Him, pray-- over and over. But the results are all worth the effort. This isn't over yet and I refuse to be so quick to call it that.

I encourage you also, in your moments of pain, to be faithful and press onward. If He was wounded, we can't expect any better treatment.