Rotten Me

This past week has been respecially rough in some aspects. I'm seeing things in me that I wish weren't there. Each time I see these things lately, I find myself becoming more and more embarrassed and ashamed. This weekend, I found myself wanting to hide from everyone--even from my very own husband. I couldn't vocalize these things that hurt so much, and I've felt so much shame. I fear that you'll judge me, and I'm sad that I'm not better than I am. But it's time to face reality-- I have some things in me that desperately need His cleansing.

I'm learning that if we want any shot at getting over our issues, we must expose those things to light-- and there are different ways of doing just that. There are somethings that my soul begs to speak of--to someone who can relate, but then there are other things that are best given only to Him (and left right there). We must move past our fear of being judged in order to be healed.

Stupid things get to me at times. It's as if something that I've made big (by way of not letting it go), tests whether I've really learned anything at all. At times, I grow frustrated over the very perception of not getting what I "think" I deserve. I find myself looking for things to be angry about. Lately, I've also found myself dwelling on the past when others have wronged me. Sometimes I get so deep into those thoughts that by the time I realize where I've gone, I've already surrounded myself with a mess.

The more I look into myself, I realize that we're all like fruit. Parts of us start to rot due to our dysfunctional tendencies. In referring to rot, I mean things like pride, jealousy, selfishness, lust, hate, and other sinful mindsets that can very well lead to sinful actions.

When we expose the rotten spots to Him, he cuts it out and rebuilds that place in us to make us stronger and better than before. That rot can spread fast if we don't consistently acknowlodge our weaknesses and ask Him to clean our hearts. The rotten spots always hurt, when we realize they're there. When you finally see the rot, it hurts to look at yourself and it hurts to be you. The pain should serve as a warning sign that something is wrong. It should make you cry out for His help. He wants to clean out the rot and make us more pure, more like Him. He wants us to be prepared for life, for battles and to be the "light" of the world. But if we won't acknowledge the rot and ask Him to cleanse us, how will we stand? Rotten things will only crumble in a battle.

Lysa TerKeurst, in her book "Made to Crave said something quite significant. 

I’m not saying that eating is a sinful desire. What I am saying is, if you have a script like this (“I’m fat, I’m ugly, and I’m not capable of getting it together”) playing in your mind, then something is waging war against your soul. First Peter 2:11 reminds us, “Dear friends, I urge you as aliens and strangers in the world to abstain from sinful desires which wage war against your soul.” In other words, if something is waging war against your soul, it is a sinful desire.

We all have a wars waging against us. It's important that we be in tune to who we are to know exactly what issues we have threatening to keep us from growing. If we see problems in ourselves, it's a blessing. He's giving us an opportunity to be changed, and true changing must happen in the core.

As we mature we learn that no matter how far we come, we will always have road in front of us. And it's important that we remember this so that the road in front of us never discourages us. Not a soul in this world is free of dysfunction, regardless of how you were raised, how much money you have or how old you are.

In a sense, our rotting condition is a blessing. It only means we get to be remade--stronger, more functional, more pure. It hurts but sometimes it takes a little hurt to get our attention. And nothing worth having ever comes too easy.