The truth is, my pain is all I can focus on. And I ask myself, "Is it wrong to focus to intently on my pain and on my feelings?" I wonder if I'm missing an important part of Christianity here, and I'm sure that I am.
The truth is, I cannot forgive this on my own, but His strength allows me to -- if I'll choose it. But do I want to? I know I need to. I have to. I have to resolve this thing within myself and at some point move on. The sooner the better. But maybe I'm rushing it. Maybe I need to allow myself the time to absorb it all and take it to God. But maybe I just need to make the choice to move on...
Regardless of who is wrong or right, we're each held responsible for our own junk. Holding grudges only hurts the person who holds them, so why is it so hard to let go? I heard Joyce Meyer say that although feelings are God-given and we shouldn't let them manipulate us because that wasn't His intent. She said, that we should ask,"What am I feeling?" and "What do I want that I'm not getting?"
She suggested that we first take our feelings to the Lord, quoting 1 Peter 5:7:
Give all your worries and cares to God, for he cares about you.(NIV) (KJV version says: Casting all your care upon him; for he careth for you.)She related the words "worries" and "cares" to feelings and says that we should ask Him to help us sort out our part of the equation. I know I'm guilty of speaking how I feel without talking to Him about it first. But the times where I have done so given me so much insight, wisdom and understanding.
I'm reminded of my previous blog "Be Courageous". Lately, I'm reminded to be brave, in order to honor Him. I want this to be over, and I want to do the right thing. I need to choose to move on, but putting my own pain aside to do so can be so hard-- especially when the wound caused bleeding (figuratively speaking). But I must press on.
The thing is people are always going to hurt us, and we've all been scarred by someone's words or actions before. I'm quite sure I've dished out a lot of hurt myself. It's just the very nature of us humans, being that we're so flawed and dysfunctional.
Most importantly, we can't have a real relationship with Him if we're holding grudges of our own, which brings forgiveness right to the top of my list. I can't bear distance from my Lord after having been so close to Him. And I can't even hear Him if I let my emotions run rampant. It's a continual process that never ends--control my emotions, listen to Him, pray-- over and over. But the results are all worth the effort. This isn't over yet and I refuse to be so quick to call it that.
I encourage you also, in your moments of pain, to be faithful and press onward. If He was wounded, we can't expect any better treatment.