Sustaining Love

For a long time in my life I thought it was unfair that others seemed to love me based on what I can do for them. But then I realized that I often do the same to others. I think it's a common mindset in our society that we should love people based on what we can get out of it. And yet, we wonder why relationships so often fail.

But in the process of "growing up" I am learning that true, wholesome, lasting, godly love cannot be sustained based on what we get from it, but what we can give. And it doesn't take long to learn that looking out for number one, seeking our own interests and even setting our expectations too high can lead to disappointment - for both sides.

We want all this stuff even while knowing our own humanity, and that we probably couldn't give it out as well as we think we could - yet we seek it from others still. And where does it get us? Alone? Lonely? Why? Many times it's all because we insist on our own way and because we refuse to accept the way another shows love. Sometimes it's because we are so selfish to think that having our own way is worth destroying everyone around us.

It's human nature to seek to please ourselves. But love originated with God, and it can't be sustained via man's way. Nothing changes, it seems, until we realize that our whole purpose in being is to serve others and not ourselves. Even then, it's hard to accept. Even then, it's hard for a faulty human to practice consistently.

I'm not suggesting we allow others to mistreat and abuse us. I am saying that we bring all this hurt on ourselves when we follow society's way of love. Many times. we put ourselves first in a relationship with the mindset that it's up to us to go after what we want and to expect others to meet all our needs. But is it really? Based on what I am learning from who God is, I don't think so.

I'm not suggesting that you are unimportant either. I am suggesting you make it a point to make someone else more important than yourself. When we stop thinking about how we feel or what we want all the time, we are happier because we are fulfilling our purposes. We can't be so dependent on people to meet our needs or we'll stay discourged non-stop because we are all so prone to mistakes. Trust me, I know.

We might begin a relationship seeking to meet our own needs but if we keep up that pace, we will either be destructive to that person and / or we will destroy the relationship. Selfishness builds a wall, and that wall is easier to prevent than to tear down.

I'm convinced that God's design for love is not possible until:

1. You have an intimacy with God first and foremost.
2. You accept that you were not meant to meet one's every need or to have one meet your every need. (This goes back to #1.)
3. You realize that we are here to serve and are able to say "This isn't about me."  
4. You are willing to sacrifice for others.
5. The hurt of another is more important than your own.

This stuff wasn't meant to be easy. But nothing worth doing ever is. Keep the pace and never quit.

A Look in the Mirror

One thing I've noticed lately is that we humans tend to be quite quick to label others. We're good at it, and of course it makes us feel better about our own flaws. I only know because I tend to do it too. We have this need to feel good about ourselves and sometimes that need causes us to try to take down those around us, even without knowing it.

Lately I've been really agitated because I have the perception that I am quite often taken for granted, overlooked and disrespected. Oh poor me...I even threw a couple of minor hissy fits, hoping someone would take me seriously and change it for me. I knew deep down that I was focusing too much on others and not enough on God. But I was stuck clinging to it anyway because although we can know the truth, there are times when refuse to let go of the lie. You can't choose both.

I was quite a mess over things that I couldn't change and yet I refused to let go of my issues. I had not forgotten that the issues of others aren't about me and I knew there was a chance I could be wrong - but for goodness sake I had to make it all about ME. It eventually bottled up so much inside of me that I couldn't take the pressure of carrying something that I couldn't change anymore. That's when I asked for help.

The Lord began to show me how I was discouraging those around me, especially my husband - and they deserve better from me. While I need to address my issues, I was called to put the needs of those around me first. My husband has needed my patience and grace and if I put myself first here when I have an opportunity to minister to his needs,  I fail and hubby loses out. But here's what woke me up most.

My alarm clock went off and I got out of bed as was my normal routine. I was closing the door behind me, and as I stood in the dark at the end of the hall I instatnly got a good look at myself. It was as if I was watching myself from afar, realizing how foolish my mindset has been. I saw the hypocrisy in my selfish attitude - expecting others to put my issues ahead of their own. I had been accusing certain people of selfishness but I was at least as selfish, if not more, for being willing to fight and discourage others in order to get my own way. No more "poor me".

The only way I know how to describe it is an attitude adjustment from God himself. And I needed it. Other people can't fix us and we can't expect them to. We often place expectations on them that they just couldn't meet even if they wanted to. Expectations are no less of a burden on the expecter, although we somehow think we need them. I have learned that we typically don't need the things we think we need and when we do without them, we either grow up or grow bitter. It was time for me to grow up some more. It isn't easy but it must be done.