All Alone in the Universe

Juliette, my 10 month old baby girl, has been showing an increasing need to relate in recent weeks. She reaches out to us in a variety of ways-- great big smiles, exciting squeals and shrieks, baby babbles, latching on to us or even trailing behind us with her "superfast" crawl. In the past week, I've observed how she really understands our body language, tones and actual words more than we give her credit for. My sweet Jujubee is quite in tune to her surroundings to an extent that I haven't seen in either of my other children. I began to ponder on what God wanted me to see as I thought about her need for human interaction. I realize that every single one of us have an inborn need to relate.

God's word says that He created man in His image. Many of our ways started from His, but in us sin distorts the actual trait of God himself. We could never possibly fathom how pure and holy He is in relation to us and I think that many times that's why we feel so alone. Our sin has created more of a barrier than we think when it comes to intimacy with Him. Because our thoughts are so impure, we can't even imagine what holy really is. We struggle to relate to Him.

Some of us have more of a need to talk than others, some simply need to sense that they're understood in non verbal ways. Others need to touch while there are some who look for a certain "feeling". Some people put on a good show and pretend that they don't need a thing from the rest of us, but in reality they are only fooling themselves. Because God created us in His image, we need to relate. We need for people to reach out to us and we need to reach out to others.

But because we're so ingrained with sin, our immediate reaction is to run and hide behind a fig leaf, just as Adam and Eve did. Sin makes shame and shame makes us afraid that someone will see us for what we are. We're afraid that someone will see what's really in our hearts and judge us--and many times they do. When that happens, we run right back to our fig leaves and use that experience as an excuse to never bare our naked souls to anyone again. I think we've all faced a time or two like this, I know I have.

I'm convicted lately about hiding behind my fig leaf. I'm convicted that I should step out from behind it on faith and trust Him to use my mere faith to bring light to someone else. I'm convicted that if I hide behind my fig leaf, no one can see the light that He's put in me. And if our mere purpose of being here is to glorify Him, hiding behind a fig leaf is defeating that purpose. Other people need to see our struggles, pains and then they need to see just how He uses those of us who are most weak through faith. If I go around pretending it doesn't hurt, guarding myself from what other's might think or say, I miss an opportunity to help someone to relate and to heal. I'm convinced that there is healing in feeling you're not the only one out there who struggles with this or that.

I've also come to see that when I hide in shame, sin breeds. Satan loves darkness. He loves it when we withdraw so that he can work on our minds. Since Satan loves darkness, the way to combat him is through light. And the way to bring light is to stop hiding.

What's really funny that as I get a glimpse of who mankind is and our ways in general, I'm humored at how silly it is that we justify our thoughts and our actions to suit our own needs. And believe me, I do these very things that I'm laughing at. We get hurt and we draw up in our shell and swear it's best that we hide. We "cut off our noses to spite our faces" by resisting what He says is best. We reap no benefit from it and in the back of our minds, we know it while we're doing it. But we just can't help ourselves--we're full of sin to the innermost of our being.

Juliette's inspired me to step out of my shell more and to let His ways shine through in me. I'm always excited when He uses people and circumstances to feed me morsels like this. I think we underestimate just how often He uses other people's junk and treasure to light our paths.

My prayer is that we'll all pay closer attention to where He is in any given situation because He, like us, wants to feel close. He wants to relate to us. In doing that, He wants us to talk to Him but He also wants us to just shut up and listen sometimes. I think about how much I crave conversation with my husband and I relate it to how He must feel about us. I'm quite sure He wants conversation with us, in all forms. He wants us to involve Him in ALL of our circumstances-- little or big and good or bad. He reaches out to us in ways we often overlook and He wants us to notice Him. But He also wants to be reached out to--not just when we need something. He wants us to talk to Him as much as possible. If we do that, we'll never feel alone.

If we come out from behind our fig leaves, we can relate to Him and also to others who struggle as we do. In turn He uses that to heal both our pain and theirs.

What i Want

Lately, I struggle a lot with feeling like I get what I want less often than anyone else. I really struggle lately to accept the whole "dying to self" part of being a believer. These days, it's a real battle to let go of disappointment and resentment from the perception that I get "the short end of the stick." And you know what? I hate it. I hate that I let this stuff rob me of my joy in other areas of life. I mean, in the grand scheme of things, I wasn't put here to get my way. But I struggle with it nonetheless.

Part of me hates to admit that to another human being, but it's the truth. It's not pretty --but that's only scratching the surface of the uglies of my heart. I catch myself justifying the anger that surfaces sometimes. I have these thoughts, mostly lies, running through my head and it poses a real challenge for me. I think,
"They don't care about you"
"They are just using you"
"No one ever thinks of you or even finds you important"
"You have to stand up for yourself because they're walking on you".

I think maybe I developed this mindset as a small child from observing people take advantage of my mom. My mom has the biggest heart of anyone I've ever known but perhaps subconsciously, I've grown to think that caring for others gets you mistreated and disrespected. As I grow, I struggle more with this one thing than any other issue I have. I've come to think- it's not that it's just coming out in me but rather that He is making me more aware of it so that He can cleanse me of it. And if there's anything I do know, I cannot change my heart. These ugly things so deep inside of me are in dire need of a deep cleansing from the inside-out that only God can give.

Yesterday, I didn't get my way about something after feeling I'd spent the day prior to that settling for things someone else wanted. I really beat myself up over it. It's like it goes against everything inside of me to feel overlooked. As a means to justify my frustrations, I kept recalling times where I gave to someone but didn't get anything in return. And the more I tried to justify my being upset, the more He spoke to me about it. He reminded me that this life is a journey of dying to self, and that if I'm going to grow, my way has to go. I tried to drown out his voice with my stubborn sulking but He persisted. After a few minutes of this, I knew I had to accept what He was saying here.

Of course I had every reason to be upset if I were weighing against the world's standards, but due to the increasingly close relationship I'm experiencing with Him He just won't let me settle for those standards anymore.
Immediately after I ended my sulking, I said, "OK Lord, You're so right. Thank you for working with me on this. Please don't ever give up on me because of my stubbornness." No sooner than I'd ended my sentence, He gave me some incredible insight. And it boils down to this.

We expect to do things our way and then we wonder why He doesn't save us from the consequences. He gives us free will and we make our own choices, whether they are good or bad. But if He were to save us from all of the consequences of doing it "our way", He would be enabling us to continue to go our own way. Many of us would balk at the very idea of enabling a friend or family member to live out their life in a self destructive manner. So why do we expect this of Him?

This put a whole new perspective on understanding why we struggle and hurt so much. It makes sense to me in a way it never has before--and it was made real to me in a very personal way. Isn't it wonderful how He trades our junk for wisdom like this?

I know that I have to persist in my struggle with these feelings but I can tell you this: We were each made for more than these struggles. We were made to glorify Him but we can't do that on our own. He has to clean us up and that alone is a miracle. Our struggles will be around as long as we are in the flesh but if we focus on His ability and not our own there is hope. He is hope. We just have to accept it by accepting Him.